more please

Hank Stuever writing movie reviews? I'll take several, especially when the first is Constantine:

But enough catechism class. Of course you'd rather talk about the Spear of Destiny! (It's a relic that was believed to have been used to stab Christ's torso as he hung on the cross.) It's been found! Wrapped in a Nazi flag in a Mexican garbage dump! Are you with us?

Manuel, the stereotypical peasant who scavenges the spear, is immediately zombified and begins his trek to Los Angeles to use the Spear to call forth Mammon, the Son of Satan. It's going to be a long trip, and only Constantine and Rachel Weisz (and the ingratiating Shia LaBeouf and don't forget Djimon Hounsou as the Voodoo Pimp Daddy from the Devil Bar) stand in the way of the rise of the Antichrist.

Swedish actor Peter Stormare, who played the creepy eyeball-transplant surgeon in "Minority Report," shows up and shames the acting skills of Keanu et al. with his surprisingly understated (and, as such, convincingly frightening) performance as Satan. After so many cheap sci-fi devils, it's a brief pleasure to be tempted by Stormare's gentle evil, but it's a fleeting one, and soon enough he slithers back to the chili swirls of Hades. Thus concludes this hackneyed, cheap-looking episode of "CSI: Revelation."

Stormare as the devil almost makes it worth it, but then that's what catching the last 15 minutes of a bad movie on cable's for.

See also: The ever-right Cinetrix's take