the laws of food and drink

I never knew this existed but Ian Frazier wrote this wonderful thing called "Laws Concerning Food and Drink; Household Principles; Lamentations of the Father," which was published in the 1997 issue of Atlantic Monthly. Pretty hilarious, even for those of us lucky devils without kids, for have we not seen your pain with-child ones?

Go forth and read, as the Internet preserves all things deserving. (Thanks, Richard!)

Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances

Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, nor against any building; nor eat sand.

Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape? And hum not that humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.

worm "Beautiful," Clem Snide

namecheck Karen "Prehensile Trait Carrier" Fowler